Quarantine is exhausting. I could have never imagined being tired of sitting in my bed watching TV, yet here I am. Quarantine has given me two things. One being too much time to think and over think and the other being food. Firstly, the overthinking. I'm already an over-thinker, its one of my flaws, and this quarantine is really bringing that out. I think about horrible decisions I made during my sophomore year, biting my nose off despite my face (weird phrase, I know, but its the right idea), and this amount of thinking is becoming toxic. And I know I'm not the only one thinking too much. My friend is struggling big time, and is going through things that should not be possible for a 16 year old with already years of trauma and hurt. She lives in a big glass castle, a castle that looks beautiful from outside but would shatter with the strike of a simple rock. She's incredibly intelligent and funny and beautiful but thinks in ways unknown to the normal person. Her brain whirs at speeds unbeknownst to mankind and her way of soothing is drugs. While that can work for some, the addiction sets in and the drug becomes more of a friend than anyone else, and that's the reality of quarantine. It's not all bad. A high here and there or a drink once and a while isn't bad, god knows we wouldn't survive this quarantine without it but as it progresses and the quarantine draws on longer and longer, it stops being the "good" and rather transforming into the bad.
I looked into the mirror for the first time the other day. My bedroom doesn't have a mirror and since I just moved into my dads newly renovated home, there's no mirror in the bathroom. I didn't recognize myself. It was weird. I've always struggled with my weight. Middle school of course sucked and I felt huge compared to my 5 foot tall skinny, beautiful, busty friends, while I was 5 foot 5 and played soccer 5 days a week. So, I cut back. I chose carbs rather than protein and everything just got skinnier and skinnier. My body would go through the carbs like nobody's business and I wouldn't eat again until I was home. It was a twisted perception. How could I compare myself to someone who isn't the same? I thought that by being skinnier, my boobs would become bigger in proportion to my body, but it didn't change a single thing. I spent lots of time battling that on my own. I was ashamed that I wasn't happy with what I looked like. My mom was tall and beautiful, my dad taller and handsome, my little sister, also taller than me and they were all so confident. It shocked me. And than I got out. I started high school, and found myself, when bored, eating. And that is not bad. I mean for me. I changed schools again for the start of sophomore year, and found myself enamored by a boy, who by no fault of his own, made me self-conscious. I would think to myself that he could find someone skinnier and more beautiful than me, and thus started the horrible downward spiral again, but this time I opened up and got better. It was hard, forcing a bite of food down with a smile as my mom and sister cracked sexual jokes at dinner. And just about a year later, I find myself not recognizing myself. Quarantine has caused me to eat whenever. When I'm bored, tired, excited, looking out the window, driving, it really happens whenever, and yet I keep seeing posts on social media stomping on this idea of boredom eating. I get wanting to stop it if it's really fatal but in some situations, its a way of coping and a totally okay way of coping. The stigma is ridiculous and by the time we get back to our everyday life, the fear will go away. The quarantine is giving everyone a surplus of time, time to hate and complain and eat away at peoples mental state because I mean, what else is there to do, right?
CONFIRMED CORONAVIRUS CASES WORLDWIDE (Coronavirus COVID-19 Global Cases by the Center for Systems Science and Engineering (CSSE) at Johns Hopkins University (JHU)) 1,851,531
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